Today I turn 35 years old. The day where I advance on the chronological clock, the hands of time ticking another click on face of time and I must admit I’ve been melancholy about it in the past few days. I am having a hard time finding the happy in “Happy Birthday” right now and instead have felt like it is the cruel trick of time that I will age while Wesley will not. It just seems terribly unfair.
Time marches on and in many ways I want to grab it and just hold it tightly in my fist because as each day passes I’m acutely more aware of my loss and that is a hard fact to wake up to each morning. But the sun rises, I make oatmeal, I work, I sleep. In the quiet moments when I think of my future and growing a year older I simply want Wesley beside me blowing out my candles and teasing me that I can officially not claim to be in my “early 30’s” any longer.
I am trying to find the joy in the day because honestly it is not all about me and my feelings. Julia is exceptionally excited about my birthday and planning the party tonight at my parents house. I suspect she is giving me a baby doll for my gift because as she reasons, “We live together so we can share our presents with each other” which strikes me as solid logic! I have friends and family who have been unbelievably loving, supportive and there for me in the times I want to talk about my feelings of loss and hurt and when I just want to drink a glass of red wine and eat brie in the backyard while we watch our children blissfully play. I’m immensely grateful for those friends who have not stopped calling even though I might not be up to talking or returning phone calls at the moment, they keep patiently knocking at the door knowing I will eventually answer. For those of us who loved Wesley and miss him terribly and are willing to talk and laugh about the man we loved so well. I am thankful for all of those people and tonight I am finding the people who are surrounding me as I grow another year older are even more precious.
So tonight I will have a birthday party with some of those that I love at my parent’s home. There will be fried shrimp from Coosh’s, children playing loudly and splashing wildly in my parent’s pool and birthday cake from Tasty Pastry. It will be a party Wesley would have loved and he hopefully is looking at us and enjoying it from afar. I know he is wishing me a Happy Birthday and smiling as I blow out candles for another year.