I am on vacation with my parents for 9 days to visit my grandmother and other family. Currently on day 5 and I am tired. Everyone is so kind and caring and part of this trip was honestly a visit to show people who do not see me every day that “Yes, I am OK. Julia is OK. We do not profusely cry and scream all the time and I can talk about my grief experience. So pass the Pinot Noir…”
But as the days have gone on I find myself having a harder time being completely positive and upbeat. Talking about my loss and Julia’s loss and all of the things that entails from finances to emotions is exhausting. I find that I just want to be left alone. No matter how many times we drop the bucket down that emotional well I am coming up dry.
Which honestly scares me more than if I was crying and overtly upset because what does it mean to feel too tired to feel. I lie in bed struggling to remember a detail of Wesley’s face or voice and cannot recall. Not because it is not there or because I truly have forgotten but I am just too cluttered with other worries and heartache. I feel scattered and broken.
Last night this came into sharp resolution. After eating dinner is a very nice restaurant Julia got antsy. Like jumping around the restaurant like a lunatic antsy. So finally she and I stepped outside to get some fresh air and discovered a big pile of rocks to play with. Julia immediately set about building a rock castle with these small stones. Smooth squarish ones were doors, diamond shaped ones for windows, flat long ones for the roof…it was somewhat recognizable as a structure. But it gave me pause because it is a fitting description of how I feel lately. Like I am made of rocks, but am by no means a mighty fortress. There are gaping holes in-between the stones that don’t fit together quite right. My foundation feels shaky but the pieces of rock that I can make steady are solidly piled on top of each other. And for now my castle of hopes, dreams and the way I saw my life going is a pile of rubble in many ways, but I am building what I can from the ruins. And today that is enough.